The unlikely scene for the latest development in the Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant story has been a long way from the LA streets of Hooker Divine Brown. Impossible as it may seem, show down number two began at the opera. Well, almost!
Miss H it transpires has a couple of seedy secrets too. One of her first starring roles was in a porno opera. In one scene, Hurley appears in the buff, sitting on a bed next to her co-star, an actor called Peter Birch. For the sake of argument, we'll call him "Lucky". At the crucial moment, Liz and Lucky break into a mime of a duet. Tasteful!
It'll be interesting to watch Hugh laugh this latest operatic tumble in the couple's relationship off. Liz is keeping quiet - no singing. It is difficult not to compare the actress' plight with that of Pamela Anderson (Lee) who has recently suffered alleged over-exposure. Ms Hurley has her own metaphorical Baywatch in the shape of perfume-giant Estée Lauder. Hurley has a ú3 million modelling contract with the Cosmetics firm, showing off her debonair/sophisticated persona in their tasteful adverts.
Keep it up Hugh and Liz!
- However morally wrong, I feel obliged to run a little competition in conjunction with the newly-founded Hurley Operatic Society. Here are the easy-to-follow rules. Write to this column naming the opera in which you would most like to see Liz bare herself and you stand a chance of winning a full set of photos of the lovely lady in all her beauty, scanned and delivered to your desk. Alternatively, the entire video is available for a little over ú10 at your local video shop. Proof of age required for entry. Only kidding! Good luck.
British pride must be extended, for the next few weeks at least to boxing supremo Frank 'Points Result' Bruno. Our newly elected folk hero earned his title by knocking the hell out of Oliver McCall on Saturday night in front of a home crowd, winning for himself and the nation the WBC title - the world's most respected heavy weight award.
This all appears straight forward enough - maybe Frankie is having a go as quickly as possible before Mike Tyson could square up against him, but all in all a fair victory on the night and Bruno will have to fight the convicted rapist at some point anyway.
What the critics forgot amongst the bone breaking punches was that Bruno is a pantomime star. A demented Dick Wittington figure in shorts and gloves. Could you imagine Chris Eubank in a dress, or crowds jeering Mohammed Ali in the old days with cries of "He's in front of you." Hardly.
I imagine that Frankie, a proficient pantomime dame is suffering from plain old English bad luck. The under dog feeling. The proud man has been dragged down with big wigs and hammed up versions of Romeo and Juliet balcony scenes.
Whatever next? How could things get worse for English pride? Next they'll tell us Barrymore's gay and Cliff Richard's a virgin. What it is to be British! Tie Tyson's shoe laces together, Frank, and cast a spell on him!
Sex research arrived at a couple of superb conclusions within the last few days. A French (who else!?) group has discovered that i) Four out of five heart attacks during sex affect adulterous relationships. ii) adulterous sex is as strenuous as running up the stairs of a tower block - if not as thrilling.
I don't know how to equate these two statistics, except in the most perverse of fetishistic of adulterous relations. I imagine however that the French have already started demolishing apartment blocks and installing lifts, if we are to believe what we hear about legendary French infidelity.
A third even more alarming sex fact is definite good news to depressives out there. Doctors have heard that some users of Prozac and the similar Clomipramine find they achieve orgasm each time they yawn - who said Prozac wasn't a wonder drug. The Independent on Sunday chips into the yawn/orgasm debate with "let's hope they don't get to hear about the Observer, or we'll all be in trouble."
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